Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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