Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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