Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
