That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
