I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
