There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
