I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
