as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
