Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
