I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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