Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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