i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
