New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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