The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
