This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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