Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
