I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
