I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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