Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
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Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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