Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
did i just pee glitter
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
