I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
