dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
