I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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