Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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