The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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