final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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