I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
