i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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