We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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