He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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