my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
