Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
