So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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