I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
