hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
