last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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