I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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