Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
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Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
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She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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