I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
