Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
