Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
