i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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