just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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