when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
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The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
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Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize