if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
