i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
