i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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