You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
