I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
