Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
