I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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