She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
