she woke up with a sticky ear
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
