apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
