Got a toothbrush?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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