so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
