The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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