the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
