Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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